The creepy, doormat-hating neighbor

Ever since we moved in two and a half years ago, our weird, anti-social neighbor has made an odd habit of kicking our doormat. It happens multiple times a day. Sometimes he kicks it all the way across the landing. Just about every time we leave the apartment or come home, the doormat is askew or sitting several inches from our door. It is obviously this neighbor. I have caught him in the act.

He is a skinny, older man who, when actually seen outside of the building, is scuffling along the sidewalk in a hoodie with a thousand yard stare and mouth half open, revealing about three rotting teeth. Early on another neighbor warned us that the man is insane. He is precisely what you would imagine when you envision a psychopath. Many times I have come home, fixed the doormat and gone inside, then heard a skidding sound, looked through the peephole to see his door closing or him entering his apartment. Then I opened the door to find the doormat kicked out of place.

All of the doors open inward, meaning that our doormat isn’t in his way. It’s no accident. Even when he’s not coming or going, there are times when he opens his door expressly to kick our doormat. We have no idea why he feels the need to do this. It must provide some sort of outlet for his boiling fury against the world.

Last week the Easter basket my parents mailed me went missing (yes, 30-somethings can still get Easter baskets). The postal records show it was delivered … but I never got it. Obviously someone stole it.

Suspect No. 1?

Oooh! Look at that tasty package just sitting there for the taking on top of that goddamned stupid, annoying, ugly, offensive, infuriating doormat!!

We considered posting a sign over the mailboxes with a message reading something like ...

“ATTENTION RESIDENTS. 

A PACKAGE ADDRESSED TO APT #D3 HAS GONE MISSING. IT CONTAINED JELLYBEANS, PEEPS, A VERY SPECIAL PAIR OF CHOCOLATE JIMMY BOYS AND A HEARTFELT PERSONAL NOTE. WE WERE RECENTLY NOTIFIED THAT A NUMBER OF THE JELLYBEANS IN THE PACKAGE WERE POISONED WITH A LETHAL DOSE OF STRYCHNINE. IF YOU ATE THE JELLYBEANS, YOU HAVE LIKELY ALREADY DEVELOPED A VIOLENT TWITCH AND HAVE LOST A FEW TEETH. YOU SHOULD HAVE YOUR STOMACH PUMPED IMMEDIATELY. 

GOOD LUCK AND HAPPY EASTER."  

Every time I come home and see our kicked doormat I am overcome by a tidal wave of ill will toward our next door neighbor. It must have been him.