Friday, July 24, 2015

Moving on


The time has come, people.

(Wait. Before reading, cue up this appropriate soundtrack by Brooklyn band Pearl and the Beard)

The calendar is about to land on that day that at one point seemed so far away … when I leave NYC.

As of next week, I will once again be a full-time resident of CO, residing somewhere (TBD) in or near Denver, preferably within quick and easy reach of the mountains.

Although I grew up in the Mile High City, it has changed a lot in the last few years and is now by many accounts (like this article), among the top most desirable and fastest growing cities in America. There was a time a few years ago when the prospect of living in Denver with its concrete and crowds would not whatsoever show up anywhere on the radar of my mountain-loving sensibilities. BUT. After three years here in the city (THE City), Denver doesn’t even feel metropolitan.

For example, when my GF and I were in the heart of downtown for her job interview a few weeks ago, in spite of it being 7:30 a.m. on a Monday with rush hour at its surliest, the space between lanes, the non-frantic stride of bike commuters and utter lack of honking horns felt downright peaceful.

Then there’s the Light Rail, which didn’t exist when I was a kid (when it was a long RTD ride from the ‘burbs to Wax Trax for my Siouxsie and the Banshees bootlegs).  I took it for the first time just last month from south Denver to Union Station. I found its cleanliness, uncrowdedness, efficiency, spaciousness and dearth of urine smell delightful.

I realize I’ve spent most of these blogs hating on NYC. Although I was expressing myself honestly, I feel slightly ashamed of that (not to mention it’s probably the reason Google hasn’t picked me up for sponsorship). The truth is, there are many things I’ll truly miss about the Big Apple.

What I’ll miss about NYC:

- Incredible ethnic diversity (few places in the world could have so many cultures represented as any four-story apartment building in Queens. Cool to walk down the street and hear five languages).
- Delicious and authentic ethnic cuisine everywhere (I’ll especially miss the Columbian, Indian and Greek)
- Pizza
- Late-night dining and drinking opportunities (not that we indulged in 2 a.m. dinner very often with the 5 a.m. wake-up schedule, but it was nice to know it was possible)
- At least three bands you love playing somewhere in the city on any given night
- Broadway
- Produce markets (especially the one in Astoria)
- The imminent possibility of seeing a celebrity or musician casually hanging out somewhere
- Beautiful buildings and bridges
- Orange is the New Black scene shots in our ‘hood!
- Bodegas that sell everything from microwave popcorn to drill bits

It might not be apparent by the last three years of sardonic posts, but I do actually love NYC. There is no place in the world like it – its talent, culture and energy are incomparable.


That said. there’s no question that I’m excited to peace out. But I plan to live it up (in a non-residential sense) upon each future visit. 

Stay tuned for more adventure stories in my new (old) city.

Thursday, April 9, 2015

The creepy, doormat-hating neighbor



Ever since we moved in two and a half years ago, our weird, anti-social neighbor has made an odd habit of kicking our doormat. It happens multiple times a day. Sometimes he kicks it all the way across the landing. Just about every time we leave the apartment or come home, the doormat is askew or sitting several inches from our door. It is obviously this neighbor. I have caught him in the act.

He is a skinny, older man who, when actually seen outside of the building, is scuffling along the sidewalk in a hoodie with a thousand yard stare and mouth half open, revealing about three rotting teeth. Early on another neighbor warned us that the man is insane. He is precisely what you would imagine when you envision a psychopath. Many times I have come home, fixed the doormat and gone inside, then heard a skidding sound, looked through the peephole to see his door closing or him entering his apartment. Then I opened the door to find the doormat kicked out of place.

All of the doors open inward, meaning that our doormat isn’t in his way. It’s no accident. Even when he’s not coming or going, there are times when he opens his door expressly to kick our doormat. We have no idea why he feels the need to do this. It must provide some sort of outlet for his boiling fury against the world.

Last week the Easter basket my parents mailed me went missing (yes, 30-somethings can still get Easter baskets). The postal records show it was delivered … but I never got it. Obviously someone stole it.

Suspect No. 1?

Oooh! Look at that tasty package just sitting there for the taking on top of that goddamned stupid, annoying, ugly, offensive, infuriating doormat!!

We considered posting a sign over the mailboxes with a message reading something like ...

“ATTENTION RESIDENTS. 

A PACKAGE ADDRESSED TO APT #D3 HAS GONE MISSING. IT CONTAINED JELLYBEANS, PEEPS, A VERY SPECIAL PAIR OF CHOCOLATE JIMMY BOYS AND A HEARTFELT PERSONAL NOTE. WE WERE RECENTLY NOTIFIED THAT A NUMBER OF THE JELLYBEANS IN THE PACKAGE WERE POISONED WITH A LETHAL DOSE OF STRYCHNINE. IF YOU ATE THE JELLYBEANS, YOU HAVE LIKELY ALREADY DEVELOPED A VIOLENT TWITCH AND HAVE LOST A FEW TEETH. YOU SHOULD HAVE YOUR STOMACH PUMPED IMMEDIATELY. 
GOOD LUCK AND HAPPY EASTER."  


Every time I come home and see our kicked doormat I am overcome by a tidal wave of ill will toward our next door neighbor. It must have been him.